So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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