I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
