I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
