On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
