You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
