Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
