my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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