I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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