i wish my penis had a tongue
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Randomize
