Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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