I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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