This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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