can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
