And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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