man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's blow job season.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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