I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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