My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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