EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
