We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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