halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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