i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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