someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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