Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
