Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He has the fingertips of a God
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