just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
