I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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