I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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