tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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