I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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