That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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