Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You ruined the universe
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
