Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
