everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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