and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
God, I missed his penis.
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