she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
