Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
