please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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