Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
