I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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