Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my being single is dangerous.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
