I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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