i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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