I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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