just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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