Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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