what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
