What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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