I want to have your abortion
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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