I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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