Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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