All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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