I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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