I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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