If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
