Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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