i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
