I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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