i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
