420 ftw
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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