Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize