Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
