im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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