All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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