so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize