You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I touched a dick in church today
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
