After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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